Inside or Outside

Ok, I have been reading other peoples blogs for a while now and have really wanted to start one for myself but I have felt a little intimidated and scared because I am not the best when it comes to grammar and spelling and I tend to write run on sentences like this one I am writing now. Oh, Well

To be completely honest, I am fearful of how others percieve me and more often than not I let that get in the way of my commitment to God. I mean, why is it so scary to let your guard down? If I could only let all my reservations go, then God would be able to use me in the way He intended to.

I used to travel all over the southern states with my job. Sometimes I would be gone for a week or two so there where many nights that my wife Kristin would be at home alone. On more than one occasion, she called me and said she heard things inside or outside our house. We lived in the country and Kristin had always lived in town so she wasn’t used to all the noises associated with country living. I think for the most part she probally heard squirrels on the roof but regardless it was frightening for her.

I had just come home from along trip and Kristin had made me a wonderful dinner consisting of hashbrown casserole and poppy seed chicken. It was certainly a great welcome home meal. However, (this is the real me letting my guard down here) late that night after we had gone to bed I couldn’t sleep thinking about all that I needed to catch up on. It was well into the early hours of the morning when I felt the urge to free myself of the gas that built up within me from dinner. I layed there thinking, I am so comfortable and don’t want to get out of bed. So after 5 seconds or so of decision making I decided to let it go right where I was. I knew for sure she wouldn’t hear it as I felt it would be a silent one. And surely she couldn’t smell it if there was a smell. I mean, can you smell when you are sleeping? 

Silent it was not! Kristin raised up in the bed and reached over to make sure I was there. In a state of panic she asked, was that inside or outside. Trying to hold back the laughter I said I’m pretty sure that was inside.  This was pretty humorous but later I found myself asking, why did she always ask if the noise was inside or outside? Was it because if it were inside someone or something had made it’s way into our dwelling and that left all kinds of possibilities for what could happen next. Could it be that as long as it was on the outside she felt safe because she would have time to make a plan, to call someone, or get the gun?

Silly, it seemed to me. Then I thought I do do the same thing only with people. I feel safe as long as they don’t have access to whats inside imediately. As long as I have time to make a plan on whether or not I want to let someone in and how I will do that then I will be at no risk. I am trying to take baby steps and asking God to work on me in this area of my life. So this is a starting point. I want to put myself outside so that whatever creature it is making noise may see that I have a light. Jesus gave it to me. And I hope that they will find it appealing so they may see that He is my protector, my savior, and my joy and will want to be apart of that.

I have learned in this process already that it is when I let my guard down and show people who I really am, I also learn who I am and what I would like to change about myself. In that change I start becoming the person who God wants me to be. Afterall, isn’t it about Him anyway?

One of the scriptures I am working on right now is Mathew 5:16 In the same way let your light shine before men so that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. How appropriate?